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“Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me.”
I know Christmas is a drag. There are all these rituals you have to do, like office parties and get-togethers with people you’d rather not get together with, and presents you have to accept from your Aunt Yetta that came either from the bargain basement section of Filene’s Basement (sad, ain’t it that F’s B is going out of business: what will Yetta do?), or the aisles of Walmart, when what you really want to do is . . . of course, get laid.
I mean, like who wouldn’t want to spend the holidays in bed with a gorgeous guy? Is there any red-blooded American who’d feel differently? Even gorgeous straight guys want to spend the holidays in bed with a gorgeous guy—namely themselves—if they could find the right person to accompany that idea.
So, with this in mind, I have solicited my own humpy Santa to come up with 12 scrumptious presents for the 12 days of Christmas. You can tailor this list a bit and cut it down to 8 for the 8 days of Hanukah, but the idea is basically the same: unwrapping something that foreplays further unwrapping. And all of this comes from the author of The Manly Art of Seduction , so of course I know what a seductive present should be like.
1) A book of poems. Start here. A good book would be something like Walt Whitman, Shakespeare, or Perry Brass (The Lover of My Soul , which has a genuinely seductive poem called “The Man Sucked Me Off in San Francisco”; who could ask for anything more?), or Gavin Dillard, the Naked Poet. You can find these books and more at most lgbt bookstores, or even Barnes and Noble. But I prefer you patronize your own seductive neighborhood booksmith. Now, after you unwrap the poems, read them in bed. And if he has a favorite poem, read it to him between recitals of licking him all over.
2) A black cashmere sweater. Nothing looks better on a man, aside from chest hair, than black cashmere. My favorite cashmere sweaters come from Brooks Brothers (it’s a fatal weakness; I admit it). But you can get other cashmere variations at J. Crew or some discount place (OK, back to Filenes, but they’re going under . . . ). The point is, as soon as it comes out the box, put it on him and nothing else. Few things look as good on any guys as just a black cashmere sweater. Now, if you can’t/won’t spring for cashmere, then get a black merino wool sweater, but I have to warn you: anything other than cashmere may make his nipples become erect fast. Golly. How awful. But isn’t that the reason hot Guido-type guys have been wearing tight sweaters with nothing under them since the time of Michelangelo?
3) Chocolate. Chocolate is always great to nibble on, especially when it’s cut with vodka, gin, Irish whiskey, or even a dash of rum. You can do this several ways: I prefer dark, dark chocolate. I mean like midnight dark. Put a piece of it in the bottom of a glass, and then add a dash of good gin, a few ice cubes, and swizzle it all around. Do this next to a fireplace (with fire in it), or on a bed, while he’s wearing his black cashmere sweater.
4) A massage. Spend a little money on a nice Christmas card, and inside include a note that you will next give him a great, one-hour-long massage. Now, here’s the good part: you will either do it by yourself, or you’ll get help. And this is where the perfect Christmas gift comes in. Because you can select who will be helping you. It can be either a professional masseur, or a semi-pro one who’s unlicensed but knows how to give a guy a good time. The important thing is that with a massage you don’t have to worry about getting the size right, or it hanging around too long after Christmas, like you do with Aunt Yetta’s presents. Hint: use massage oil that gets warmer the more you rub it. Or, a flavored massage oil. Both of these oils are available in places like The Pleasure Chest.
5) Tobacco. I know, your man doesn’t smoke—but even men who don’t smoke often will indulge in a good cigar. So buy him a really great cigar if he’s a cigar-type guy, or several great cigars (you can get Canadian versions of Cuban cigars at many good tobaconnists). Or, for another, really interesting spin on the sheer manliness of tobacco, which has been around since the time of Queen Elizabeth I, who knew a good man when she saw one (and usually cut his head off soon after, but why quibble?) buy some exceptional-quality loose tobacco, with a bit of flavor in it, like vanilla, and use it as the basic element in a completely unique, personalized potpourri—along with dried orange peel, and a few choice spices like clove and rosemary. Put the whole thing in a nice little jar, and present it to him. He may wonder if it’s pot, but we’re going to try to keep this all legal today.
6) A shave. The barbershop shave has officially come back. It ain’t cheap: a good barber shop often charges $40 for a real shave, with a hot towel, hot lather, a facial massage, the use of a straight razor, another hot towel afterwards, and then some bracing after-shave tonic. You can scope out the barber shops near you, and ask if they’ll sell you a gift certificate for a shave: they probably will, after all it’s money in their bank until they have to do it. Or, you can shave him yourself, following the full ritual: like even do it in bed, with lots of towels covering the sheets, lots of steamy hot towels to get his pores open and his beard soft, and while he’s under the towels, you can do things to him that his barber won’t, certainly not for $40.
7) A plant. Plants are living and they bring instant oxygen and vitality into a room (ask any feng shui specialist). The good thing about giving him a plant for Christmas is that you can convince him it’s important that you take care of it, especially while he’s away. So this is a good way to ratchet up the intimacy level of any relationship without buying him a dog, which usually irritates most men the same way that revealing your pregnant might: in other words, dogs and children are too much of a commitment, but a plant's great. Big fleshy green plants like a jade bush, are good: they don’t droop and require little care. If you want to really get his juices going, get him a wild potted fern, or an orchid, especially a ladies slipper, a native American orchid associated with forests. Places like White Flower Farms sell them, and you can remind him how much you like sex in the woods.
8) A model railroad set: these are pure boy-dick toys. Inside every man is a boy rearing to come out (as a boy!) and model railroad sets are one of the chief delights of these boys. If he had one as a boy, he misses it, and if he didn’t have one, he misses it even more. You can start with just the engine, or even a few cars, and then add more pieces to it as your relationship develops. If you get him a complete set, it will have little lights on it, which look great in the dark and it’s wonderful to have sex while the trains running and the lights are twinkling. Even better than a Christmas tree.
9) A uniform: guys love uniforms, and few things make a man either horny or ready to play than one. You can get them at Army-Navy stores, or even some leather shops (my favorite being a NY state cop uniform done solely in leather). Put the uniform (Navy, Army, fireman, night watchman, Boy Scout, whatever) in a box, put a ribbon on it, and then after he opens it, ask him to close his eyes and put it on him yourself. Things will heat up faster the surface of Mars after a solar storm.
10) A bandana set: a lot cheaper than black cashmere, but, hey, some of us are on budgets this year, just like some of us are on diets. You can get a bandana set also at most Army-Navy stores, or even at K-Mart, and there are so many cunning things you can do with bandanas, like use them for blindfolds, light bondage equipment, and genital restraints (OK, cockrings). But the nice thing about them is that you can use them anyplace, take them to your Aunt Yetta’s on a visit (if you have to do that), and she’ll just say “What nice colors, all these bandanas!”
11) A vibrator. OK, here we get interesting: every guy likes getting a vibrator just like every boy and the man he’ll grow up into likes getting model train sets. But vibrators are extremely personal, and what suits one man may not suit another. So, I would suggest you start with a small one that would work nicely externally. In other words—don’t try this at home with a vibrator he might insert in some place that could malfunction and cause him a trip to an emergency room. Get him a small massage-type vibrator which you can use on him, rather than something more “anatomical” looking that can end up causing him trouble. (Emergency room workers are full of stories of guys who’ve had these damn things stuck “up there” and had to have them extracted on an operating room table.) However, as a toy for two, vibrators are excellent, and are certainly as entertaining and relaxing as a good shave.
12) Dolls. Guys love dolls, especially boy dolls. Many gay-friendly stores carry boy dolls—my two favs are Gay Billy and Gay Carlos—some of them anatomically-incorrect (in other words, hung like Shetland ponies rather than real men, but that’s part of their play element). However, as a really seductive toy, think about an antique-looking boy doll from another era, like Howdy Doody, Gene Autry, the Lone Ranger, or Tarzan. You can find these kind of character boy dolls at many flea markets, thrift shops, or antique stores. The thing is, no matter what kind of doll you get him, make up a story about him and make it as hot as you can, because when you’re not around, your doll will need something to keep himself occupied.
Most seductive gifts of them all: books by gay authors, myself included. For more information about books by Perry Brass: www.perrybrass.com . Amazon . TLA books . And your local library. If you have any questions about seductive gifts, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org . Happy holidays.